09-11-2014 Faith

Dear Joseph and Lucia,

I’ll start out today by apologizing.  I plan to go a little deep. I had a revelation during lunch while listening to an interview on NPR.

Before I met your mother, I was considered atheist.  Agnostic at best. (Look up the difference)  After attending church with her for a year, I started to find the Catholic faith could fill a hole inside of me.  I previously used alcohol to fill it. And then you two were born.  My emptiness was gone. Or so I thought.  Another growing hole over the years was the lack of my parents in my life.  As time grew on, that hole became larger and larger. It eventually came to such an extent that I couldn’t ignore it.  Despite confessions and meeting with priests, I found no comfort or peace.  So, when I eventually filled that hole in my life by rejoining with my birth family, I was given another hole.

The hole I feel today is deeper than any before. The absence of you guys in my life leaves a much larger hole then I’ve ever felt.  As a result, my faith and practice have changed.  I’ve grown in my understanding of the big picture.  I won’t preach or go into details.  I’ll just say I’m partially at peace with my faith but still searching for understanding.

The point I’m trying to reach is there will always be something missing in our lives.  We can’t have everything all the time.  It’s how we deal with those absences that make us better people. I’m not perfect.  Sometimes, I lean too hard on those in my life for help.  Sometimes, I’ve leaned on a bottle.  And recently, I write letters to you guys.  It doesn’t fill the hole, but it keeps it manageable.  At least one-way communication is better than none at all. After every letter, I’m left with a little hope that this might be the one you find.

I’ll always be here waiting.  I have a home and wonderful family for you to explore.


P.S.  Today’s picture is of the cobblestones in Amsterdam after a nice rain.  It’s one of Michèle’s favorites that I took while over there.

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