08-28-2014 Excited, Sad, and Encouraged

Dear Joseph and Lucia,

I’m excited, sad, and encouraged all at the same time.

I’m excited because this website had a sudden influx of traffic in the last 24 hours.  The hits were mostly looking at the archive.  My first hope is that one of you two have found it and are reading all the letters.  But then reason settles in and I realize it’s likely all the various fathers from Dad Bloggers that I just joined.  I’ve been doing this solo for all this time and never realized there are many fathers with plenty of stories.  Some have their kids with them, some don’t.  (And just a note to any of the fathers out there who read this… stay positive and never lose hope.)  In the end, a large part of me is hoping you guys are reading this and possibly reevaluating your opinion of me after all you’ve been told.

I’m sad because I won’t have the opportunity to see you.  Without going into details, I figured out a way that I might get to see you from a distance just to see how you look nowadays.  After great reflection, I cancelled the plans.  I don’t want you to see me unexpected and only make the rift deeper with fear and surprise.  I’ll have to wait until you seek me out.  Until then, I’ll just continue my letters in the hopes you’ll search for me.  I hope your mother is using the arears payment to good use for you guys.  And if she hasn’t told you, there’s enough in there to get you both a used car and start you in college.

I’m encouraged because there are good friends in my life.  When I shared my “plan” with them, I got sage advice against it.  They were right.  In the end, it was the right decision to leave you in peace.  Knowing I have friends willing to tell me I’m wrong lets me know I’m doing something right in life.  I hope you guys have friends like that; the kind that can tell you the truth.  The strongest source of strength and hope I have is from Michèle.  She stands behind me with a fantastic strength.  I pray every day you will meet her eventually.  As a step-mother, you couldn’t ask for anyone better.

So, until you are ready to ask me questions… until you are prepared to have me in your life… I’m waiting.


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